Anybody who knows me will tell you the same thing: I get what I want. Whether it’s food, being held, my binky, you name it—if I decide I’d like it, you damn well better believe I don’t rest until I get it, one way or another. And from the very second I saw those blue and red detergent pods come out of that shopping bag last week, I knew immediately that, come hell or high water, I would eat one of those things.
So with God as my witness, I swear to you: I’m going to find that container of multicolored pods, I’m going to take one out, I’m going to shove it in my mouth, and I’m going to chew it up and swallow it down, and nothing and no one is going to stand in my way.
You can’t be expected to keep an eye on me 24/7, and of course, you have to sleep at some point.
Oh, but please don’t let me stop you—by all means, go and hide those delicious-looking little pods wherever you think they’ll be safe from me. You can put them on a high shelf or in the back of a cabinet, or even out in the garage; it makes no difference to me. You can tell me over and over again that they’re not food, but just know that the moment I get my little fist around one, it’s food now.